I am not going to start with some sweeping assessment of the year or grand proclamations for 2022. I think we’ve learned better after 2020 and 21. Goodness. The world is on fire, the pandemic rages on, and the U.S. survived an attempted coup but still hasn’t managed to convict any of the insurrectionists for their treason and sedition (only on lesser charges). I digress. This is my year in review.
The last few years, there’s been a song and a color. They come about on their own. Purple remains my favorite color but the color of this year was by and large PINK. My planner for next year is in a fabulous shade of hot pink and I’m planning a minor theme change to the big tree next year in shades of blush. I’ve only ever done traditional Christmas themes, so this will be a fun change.
This year’s song I *thought* was going to be “Use Me” by Bill Withers but it really turned out to be “To Be Real” by Tank and the Bangas with Hasizzle. Both great songs but “To Be Real” followed me endlessly this year and I can’t get enough of it. Also, lots of growth this year moved the idea of “Use Me” out of my periphery and authenticity moved to the forefront.
Speaking of being used, this was the year I was ghosted by not one, but two people. Both denied it but actions speak louder than words… especially when those words don’t really exist since I was GHOSTED. Goodness, grow up, y’all, and have the difficult conversations.
This was the year I embraced being sober-ish and really cut way back on drinking. I’ve been using Sunnyside (previously Cutback Coach) and I love it as a tool for motivation. It’s really changed how I see my life and how I relate to alcohol. Don’t get me wrong, I won’t ever pass on a tipple of Macallan 18 Year, but drinking out of boredom has left my life as I’ve really focused on areas of growth.
Not drinking and tapping into my deep creativity led me to begin writing a book this year and working on a major rewrite of a book I started 7 years ago. For some reason, this anniversary of my sister’s death and then her birthday hit really hard for all my family. We all struggled through those dates so rewriting the book I wrote for her and about her life was extra difficult but by adding way more sober days into my weeks, I had the strength to delve into the material… a bit. It’s still reserved for my particularly strong days.
Strength was something I had to dig deep for this year. After my home was once again damaged by a major hurricane, second time in a year, my mental health took a dive as I evacuated for the first time and didn’t return until power was restored and then came home to find all the damage… damage I haven’t yet finished repairing. I did the right thing though- I talked with my therapist, adjusted my medications, and found my footing again.
Not only did I actively pursue my good mental health, I worked hard towards my physical health too. I did 4 months of physical therapy that didn’t really do much towards resolving my pain or get me running again. I’ve gone through imaging, medication changes, and so many doctor appointments, working towards fixing this flesh suit that bears my soul. I’ve seen so many specialists and remain ever grateful for the care the VA provides me. Still trying to find an EMDR provider after an entire year of setbacks and some (not to) amusing errors. Through all of that, I’m on a path of non-opioid pain management, resolution of a bothersome persistent cough, and as stable and calm as I’ve ever been.
Thankfully, pain management allowed me to run a 5K early this month for the first time in 2 years! It was a brilliant run and it felt so good to run again, if slower than my best. I even still have decent form. Going to try some very short runs with my pup once the rain stops.
This was the year I discovered the joy of podcasts and audiobooks. While I still like reading over listening, for some more technical books and memoirs, it’s nicer to listen. Especially since Brandi Carlile’s Broken Horses has her singing throughout. Listening to Whitney Cummings’ I’m Fine…and Other Lies, as she fights to hold back tears while reading about her struggles with an eating disorder, moved me to tears as well. This year has been all about female voices, from Whitney’s podcast, Good For You; Glennon Doyle’s We Can Do Hard Things; and The Deep Dive with Jessica Saint Claire and June Diane Rafael; to the music of Brandi Carlile, Phoebe Bridgers, Julien Baker, Billie Eilish, Dodie, and Lucy Dacus, to all the female authors I read this year, with Cassandra Clare as the major standout. I’ve begun really discerning the places where female and male authors diverge. Reading the Villanelle books and obsessively watching Killing Eve over and over again helped me start picking those places apart. Reading the original Dune series and adding in the last two editions written by Brian Herbert after Frank Herbert’s death helped as well.
I don’t consider the Dune books “feminist,” in the way some people do, and the continued use of the word “Whore” to describe the Honored Matres really drives that home. It felt like, in 2006, Brian Herbert didn’t respect women enough to find a way to wean that term out of the books. Over the course of decades of a story arc, personal growth in characters isn’t only welcomed, it’s expected. Albeit, he may have shifted over the course of 15 years too but I’ve been a firm supporter of legalization of sex work since I was a kid. No joke. Sex work is work and slurs no longer are acceptable terms to describe them or any woman alive. Throw those terms out of your life. Seriously. I am not here for that shit.
After that diatribe, I think it’s evident that I read a lot this year. I’m approaching 85 books for the year. Included are the Dune series, The Magicians trilogy, the Villanelle trilogy, and pretty much every Shadowhunters book, reading through the first 6 books twice in 2021 (and honestly ready to read them again already but I have some other books to read first). That series was added to my physical library. Seriously love it. Cassandra Clare writes so beautifully and her cast of characters are an incredible example of real diversity and the universe she’s created for them to live in is lush and imaginative. She’s been an inspiration for me this year. Sadly, the television show Shadowhunters was a sad imitation. In trying to be sexier, the show lost its heart and focused on the wrong things. It took away the agency of characters in exchange for flash and by doing so, made a super cringey show to watch. You can’t remove a character’s faults without removing some of their nobility in overcoming those faults. I’ll say this of books versus television shows this year:
- The Magicians: books < show
- Villanelle (Killing Eve): books < show
- The Mortal Instruments (Shadowhunters): books> show
I have the Dexter books on my list for 2022 because I’ve long been obsessed with the show, now shows. The reboot so far is excellent and exceeds the last season or two of the OG Dexter.
In a year full of reboots, some good, some not so good, the new and so original Ted Lasso became an instant companion. I painted a “Believe” sign for my porch. I’ll probably watch it again before Christmas. Dickinson was also a lovely and original find, a melding of historical and contemporary, that stirred my long love of Emily Dickinson. Can we get a Pablo Neruda show? Do my friends who work in movies want to develop this? With women writers and directors, of course. Phoebe Waller-Bridge want to helm this?
Let’s be honest, if Phoebe Waller-Bridge is involved in anything, I’m watching that.
Abrupt change of topic to bring this home:
This was the year I felt myself sink into intuition. Not sinking as in drowning. It feels like sinking in the sense of settling from an environment of chaos into stillness. The stillness of being. The stillness of peace.
So it is, this almost-winter holiday season, peace to all, no matter how cliché that is to say. Honestly, the world is on fire (in some places literally), so finding depth and stillness are the only places to find it. Peace, my friends.