I’ve noticed lately that my life has become more like it was when I was around 15. Some of it is superfluous- like I bought myself the pair of Doc Martens I’ve wanted since I was a kid. Why hadn’t I bought them in the intervening decades? I don’t really know but I love them.
And I’m digging that chains attached to pants is back in. That was my 90s aesthetic, along with layered flannels. I’m queer, so I’ve been rocking flannels a long time because they flag in addition to being comfy. So, my attire is not dissimilar to that of teenage me… aging Gen X is a vibe all in itself.
But there’s deeper stuff. Peeling back the layer of social lubrication (alcohol) has let me be more me, with less fucks to give, but has added a layer of awkwardness that is only increased in the presence of lovely ladies. I haven’t figured out getting my swagger back… and I’m not even sure I want it back. I want people who will love me for me, without me having to put on a show. (Not that the show isn’t excellent either way)
I’ve been reading loads. Voraciously. Like I did as a kid, staying up until obscene hours that I can no longer maintain. Teen me could read until 0500, sleep an hour, get up, and go to school all day. Now when I see 0300, I need to sleep till noon. And I’m re-reading a bunch of stuff from that time in my life too. I had a huge ACOTAR sized hole in my heart that a vampire series from the 90s is filling. Similar morally grey leading man.
And adding the ACOTAR fandom to my already long list of fandoms is a trip… but I’m indulging that part of me that always wanted a little shiny thing for whichever fandom I’m hyperfixating on in the moment. I have a little candle carousel with The Night Court crest on it.
I continue to write. I rounded out NaNoWriMo with 13,000 words. I’m amazed at how far some of my characters have come from when I first created them. They’re more dimensional, more ambiguous, more nuanced. They’re more real.
And so, as it was in the 90s, I remain with my nose in a book, whether my own or others’, being quiet, jamming out, and enjoying the introverted life. Though 90s me could never have dreamed of binging shows the way I can now or having access to any and all music I could desire.
Everything feels like it has fallen into place. Happily. Peacefully.