By the time I will hit the beach in Florida, it will have been 4 months since Chelsea died. It still seems unfair that time is passing without her. I have had a rather difficult couple of weeks emotionally. I don’t know why now seems more difficult than a month ago but it has been. My dreams of her continue, both in good and bad ways. Sometimes the dreams are nightmares and other times, she is just there with me… and I’m grateful that in those moments, those hours of slumber, I still share my life with my sister and she is alive there and breathing, though very often she is a child and not the woman she became. Perhaps this is a reflection of my protectiveness of her. I always thought of her as my little sister, so in my dreams she shows up as the girl I had to take care of and help raise.
However, with the degree of difficulty I’ve encountered over the last few weeks, manifesting in frequent tears and some bouts of rage (thankfully never directed at my darling husband but if they continue, I worry about the safety of the ears of my coworkers), I decided it was time to get some additional help. My mental health provider went the way she always does: prescription medication. I’m not fond of this route, though I firmly believe that, used properly, these medications can be lifesavers. I’m not there yet though… and I don’t want to get there but I have other avenues to try first. So, I went and spoke with our local herbalist.
High Garden Tea in East Nashville is a beautiful space, full of lovely wooden shelves and its proprietors are the sort of people you instantly feel comfortable with. Joel and Leah definitely fit the mental image you may have of herbalists, both lean with long straight hair and wide, warm smiles. Leah and Joel have always been of great help to me. They led me to feverfew a couple years ago when I first stumbled in the shop looking for something to help with my migraines. So, on this trip, I asked about something for grief. After a few minutes discussion, Leah had indicated a few herbs to try since I wanted to try a tea before moving on to a tincture.
I named my tisane (herbal tea is commonly called a tisane, as it is absent actual tea leaves) ‘Open Heart’. It contains rose petals, holy basil, muira puama, and hawthorne. Muira Puama soothes the nervous system and also stimulates sex hormones. Holy basil works to soothe the heart, both phsyically and emotionally. Hawthorne is meant to open the heart, to allow it to open and heal. Rose petal also works as a calming agent. All of these together are meant to soothe the heart and open it to allow healing energy in, while dampening the physical effects of grief. I wanted to ensure that the temporary and normal depression I feel now due to this huge loss does not become a stagnant, persistent depression.
One question Leah asked me was, if she told me that I would no longer grieve in a month, would I be okay with this? This tisane is not magic. It can’t change things emotionally that I am not ready to change. I don’t know about letting go of my grief but I am doing my best to remember as I drink it that I want to let go of the pain. I want my sister to live in me, not to die with her, though sometimes this is an internal struggle I must fight. Leah advised me to remember my intention as I was sitting with my tisane, since it can only work so far as I want it to on the metaphysical level.
I’m doing my best.
In addition to my new herbal blend, I encountered a bit of luck over the weekend. I had spent 2 years looking for two small tumbled crystals I’ve had since childhood. I feared I had thrown them out at some point during one of my purges, though I was shocked to think I would. I believe I was about 10 when I first got them. I found them in a tub in our storage shed over the weekend, though I would swear I had looked there before! My small amethyst and rose quartz are now sitting beside my bed.
Rose quartz is considered a feminine crystal. It is a crystal of love and works with the heart chakra. It is thought to assist in creating love energy, to bring good dreams, and is useful in fertility. I have some rose quartz on the fertility bracelet and necklace I had made a few years ago. Rose quartz is thought to comfort grief.
Amethyst is used in crystal healing for grief and trauma as well. It promotes peace and calm; it also protects travelers and against thieves, and is considered a prosperity stone. It works primarily with the crown chakra and the third eye. Kai bought me an Ohm bracelet of amethyst and onyx after Chelsea died, which I wear often. It is thought to assist with insomnia, inducing a peaceful sleep.
While I already possessed each of these in smaller forms on jewelry, finding my old stones felt so special and so intentional. If you tap into the Universe, it will sometimes reveal itself in its own time. Perhaps I wasn’t meant to find my crystals earlier. Perhaps their energy wasn’t right for the time before when I was looking for them. Perhaps it’s all just a coincidence and the Universe didn’t do anything and I just have a bad memory. I don’t know… but I’m so happy to have my old crystals beside our bed now.
Between whatever healing properties crystals may have and the herbs may impart, I’m hoping to find some lifting of my spirits. With the holidays fast approaching, I find a duality to how I interpret them: they are both extra joyful and extra sorrowful. I want to make the most of them and yet, I am sad my sister is not around to share them with us.
Sometimes we must trust in the unseen to deal with the unseen. My grief is not something I can hold in a box and show to the world, thus nothing from a box can heal it. It must be dealt with physiologically, emotionally, and even psychically. It would be nice to know when it would ease, when it would lift, but there is no end time set for it. It may ebb and flow much as it has- some days or weeks being harder than others.
It, like me, is a work in progress.