*** Trigger Warning: discussion of suicidal ideation***
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I’m going to start this bluntly: I’ve considered suicide since I was about 10 years old. I’m now in my 40s and still this spectre paces me. When Death sits so close to your shoulder, you live life in a different way. I’ve gone through periods of recklessness and still probably risk my life a bit more than I should, though no longer without thinking about what I’m doing and how best to be cautious, as I used to. I realized something lately, after passing another dark period and having adjusted my meds to make Death sit just a little farther away, rather than having It breathing down my neck like the August heat in New Orleans.
To me, living is an active pursuit.
I want to live so badly and so intently that every single day I take medication to make that possible.
Living, to me, is not an idle act.
Living is a verb closer to run, bike, or swim, than it is to breathing or sleeping.
I do not live passively, like someone who does not struggle with mental health may. Most people likely take living for granted. They don’t have to think about what living means to self and others because it is just assumed that they will wake up tomorrow and the day after without causing themselves harm.
Living is an act of intention every single day for me.
I don’t ever tell anyone when I am in a dark space. I reveal it after it has passed because, at any turn in my life, I don’t want to ask for help for the most basic of acts. I also don’t speak of it as if it is a “cry for help.” Oh yes, I’ve had some friends notice when the clouds roll with Death riding shotgun, and I am so grateful for them for seeing me in both light and darkness, but generally speaking I fight that battle solo.
Things that always keep me going: I know based on scientific studies in peer reviewed journals that suicide begets suicide. If I were to lose my battle, not only do I put my friends at risk for following behind me, I would condemn my niece and nephew to a sharp increase of them doing the same. Suicide begets suicide.
Also, my mother has already lost one child. She shouldn’t have to lose another, no matter how hopeless I feel in those days. Neither should anyone else in my family lose that because even when I feel worthless, I recognize that death of anyone in a family is a deep wound. Something about blood losing blood that echoes in the veins, no matter how close, as though we are all tethered across the world through these invisible strands threading our souls.
I remember previous bouts of depression that strong and can recall that the leaves will shine with green again and the sun will shine on my face and I’ll get through it. Just remembering that I’ve beat this before makes it somewhat easier to beat it again.
So, if one day I fail; if meditation and meds and therapy and all those reminders of why I shouldn’t do the unthinkable (to most) fail, just KNOW without a doubt, I actively tried not to get there. I actively and daily reminded myself of all the reasons to live and to see the beauty of this insane world. I took pills every single day without fail to stay an earthbound creature. To me, life was not and will not be an idle or taken for granted fact.
As for now, the clouds passed though I cried in public a lot more than my ego is comfortable with. I continue pursuing all avenues for happiness and healing. My world is full of loved ones and puppy kisses. I live in the best city in the world and I want to write my own story without anyone saying I gave up. Instead, I took on the greatest battle and remained victorious, long after my vision will fail me and my skin will wrinkle, my hair grey, and my knees hurt from secondlining. I mean, technically it isn’t too far away but my mind still tells me I am young enough to have decades ahead of me. I want to be the old granny in sequins chasing Mardi Gras parades down St Charles Avenue (neutral ground side always!). For now, I have faith everything will work out for the good.
If you or someone you loved is considering self-harm, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. Veterans can select option 1 when calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline , Text 838255, or start a confidential chat at VA.gov. Trans-people can contact the Trans Lifeline at 877-565-8860.