It was in the dark hours following 7 or so hours in a van, as I was snuggled with my Love resting against me, that I started to mentally compose this. We had just spent our first nights apart and I marvelled at how natural it felt to feel him against me again, to hear him slip through that thin barrier between consciousness and sweet sleep. It is a tiny veil between our moving, working thoughts and deep rest and relaxation and *generally, it is a deep sign of trust.
Trust to let one’s self go, to be so vulnerable as to be unconscious. Trust that those surrounding you, particularly that the one you love who is beside you each night, will not violate your belief in your safety. Trust that you can slip away and return to the world better for the time in darkness and dreams.
It happens so swiftly each night (and often during lovely daytime naps): that act of surrender and vulnerability… that almost imperceptible shift in breath from short, quick waking breathing into the slow, deep breaths of sleep. I love to hear it in him. I’m not an easy sleeper so I’ve spent much of my life hearing that shift in those sleeping near me but it had never resounded so clearly as in those moments in the van. My Love so near and so softly breathing as the vehicle bearing us home sped along the highway.
It made me think of those who are finding themselves discontent in their relationships. There comes a time that we take these moments for granted. They are inevitable but are they reversible? Can you stop taking it for granted, stop thinking of all the irksome matters in life that may be causing a divide from someone you loved, and can you embrace again who that person is, for the sake of their sleeping breath beside you and their waking eyes as the sun rises?
Some divides are not repairable- physical abuse, infidelity, and sometimes, the simple matter of having allowed yourselves to grow apart. This I understand but if it isn’t these things, do you still love enough to listen in the deepest hours of night to your love’s sleeping breath and remember why they are there to begin with?
None of these questions haunt me now. I am so deeply contented and grateful for the partner I have in life. I am truly blessed and when I hear him slip from this reality into the realm of dreams, I give my thanks to the Universe for his courage and for all that we went through to come together so that I could experience these quiet, peaceful moments.
Life is what we make it and we cannot let the smallest of times pass without marveling in their complexity and reflecting upon heir meaning. It isn’t just “day to day” life. It is a miracle… everyday, this life is a miracle. We must see it as such, just as we must view the lives of those we love similarly. They are gifts, they are amazing, and if we fail to see that, we fail them and we fail ourselves. Each day my gratefulness abounds- in this life, in this world (broken and damaged as it is), in those who share my life with me, and in myself.
Listen to the breath. Breathe and feel the circulation, the gas exchange, the life energy passing in and around you… and be grateful if you are lucky enough tonight to be close enough to hear it in someone you love. Be grateful both for your life and theirs. These are passing times, fleeting moments in short lives… let us all embrace them with love and joy.
* I say “generally” because most times we have the choice between forcing ourselves to stay awake despite many levels of exhaustion and giving in to the current that pulls us under. Not always though. Sometimes our biology overrides our ability to maintain wakefulness.