I’ve waited a long time to write this. I didn’t end my marriage on a whim. I weighed it deliberately and gave so much time to allow for things to change and improve. They didn’t. I won’t even get into all the reasons why but “irreconcilable differences” is really a great reason most people use when filing and there’s a reason for that: sometimes people grow together and sometimes they do not, so it is kinder to release each other than it is to continue flogging the dead horse of a marriage.
My divorce was final October 24th. I am free. Free once more to be 100% me. It took me weeks of living alone to realize how much stress I’d had from having to live a life hiding myself away- physically and emotionally- due to the addiction of the one who shared my home. I’m able to live without being spied on and repeatedly falsely accused of a number of things.
Also, I had a realization that for the first time in about 8 or so years, I’m not in love. The two lovers I had (subsequently, not simultaneously) immediately preceding my relationship with my husband were two of the great loves of my life. While one destroyed that love due to his physical abuse, the other took many years to release from my heart, though he remains a dear but distant friend. Now, I am solely mine, learning to live for me with no expectations of my time or attentions to anyone. It is as freeing as the divorce finality.
First, here is another short video of me singing. This is a song I’ve loved since I was a child and when I recently heard the acoustic version, I fell even more in love with it:
And of course, with all this change, I created a playlist.
- Queen- I want to break free
- Florence and the Machine- Shake it out
- Billie Eilish- You should see me in a crown
- Big Freedia- Play
- LIZZO- Soulmate
- The Killers- Mr Brightside
- Christine and the Queens- Girlfriend
- Tank and the Bangas- Lazy Daze
- Sarah McLachlan- Stupid
- David Bowie and Queen- Under Pressure
- The Highwomen- The Chain
- Indigo Girls- Fill it up again
- Brandi Carlile- Every time I hear that song
- Florence and the Machine- South London Forever
- Tori Amos- Reindeer King
- A-Ha- Take on me (acoustic)
- David Bowie- I can’t give everything away