Today at 11pm cst, it will be a year since my heart broke permanently. Even now, I am crying writing these words because I still can’t believe it, still can’t comprehend it. My sister is gone and has been gone for a year. So, I sat and thought of what I’ve done in 365 days. Why? Because I owe it to her to do something with the years I get that she isn’t able to share with me. It hasn’t been easy. It still isn’t easy. I don’t have any super uplifting post-grief wisdom to share. This isn’t that. This is instead what I’ve done while trying to hold my heart in my chest and keep myself together.
I ran two half marathons. They were both completely untrained and slow, painful slogs but they were also exceptionally beautiful. The Chickamauga Half was in Chickamauga, GA, the town I can thank for the creation and raising of my husband, and it was a gorgeous fall morning. The sun was shining, the temperature was cool, and the deer enjoyed running across my path. In April, I ran the Oak Barrel Half for a second time and again, it was gorgeous. I thought I would die sometime after mile 10 but I made it through and then enjoyed walking around historic Lynchburg. Also, Racer K ran 2 full marathons and is now training for a Century in Royal Gorge.
I bought my first brand new car. In fact, pretty much the car of my dreams, unless you count the completely unattainable Tesla I’d love to have. My sister never owned a new car and I don’t think she ever even had an auto loan. I’m looking forward to paying mine off, that’s for sure! It’s my first auto loan in about 15 years but completely worth it when I drive Suby.
I moved to Denver. My sister and I actually had a phone conversation in which she told me that she envied my ability to pick up and move far distances. My sister never left Ft Walton Beach, except for the few places we moved as children with our parents. I seem to recall a short period of time when she moved to Alabama, right over the state line, but it was exceptionally temporary. I moved from our hometown to Tallahassee to Nashville and now, to Denver. It took a lot to plan such a big move, especially without incurring any debt, and it is still quite a shock to be here. Then again, 7 years ago, it was just as big a shock to get to Nashville and at least this time, I have Racer K with me. Looking forward to this place feeling like home in time.
This isn’t a big deal first or anything but in the year, I also started work at a new office. Same job, different place, but thankfully, after the first month was horrid because I was stuck in an area of the building with no cell service, little to no natural light, and doing different work, this second month has been great. I now have a window seat, looking out at some full blue spruces and a little lake, plus my cell service, and I’m doing the work I know and pretty much enjoy again.
More fun than work, I visited the Bahamas for the first time. I fell in love with being in the Caribbean and would pretty much do unspeakable things to live there and work as a bartender or something else equally part-time so that I could spend my day listening to the waves and soaking in the sun (wearing lots of organic sunscreen, of course). I think when we retire, we will certainly end up somewhere with a beach. Don’t get me wrong, the Rocky Mountains are gorgeous and I’m loving the lack of humidity but I’m also missing the humidity and smell of salt air.
To go along with our trip to the Bahamas, I have another first: my first passport stamp. While I had a passport as a child, I’m speaking about adulthood here and this was my first sojourn out of the country. We plan to add to those stamps over the next few years. I’ve got a ten year travel plan already in mind.
Also to do with our trip to the Bahamas, I kayaked for the first time and it was in the ocean. It was beautiful but because the waters of Great Exuma are so clear, it was a little dull. Hate to say that but I’d rather be kayaking over something where I could see some cool ocean life below me. However, it was still fun.
Another thing I did in the depths of the grey Nashville winter (yes, we went to the Bahamas in the winter) was try ice skating for the first time. While the rental skates were a bit uncomfortable and the rink a bit wet, I loved it! Now that we are in Colorado, and I will miss my annual Christmas outing to the Opryland Hotel, I’m planning to get a real pair of ice skates to enjoy the free skating available around the area once the temperatures drop. Thankfully, I can walk to the Southwest rink downtown.
I’ve now hiked some mountains. While we haven’t made it to any 14ers yet, we hiked Evergreen Mountain and part of the First Flatiron in Chautauqua National Park.
I saw Eddie Izzard finally! We saw him at the Paramount and it was great. He was as entertaining as I expected.
I also saw Tori Amos. Not for the first time but for the first time at the Ryman. It was glorious and I had the joy of meeting her daughter, Tash, before the show too! I love any chance I get to see Tori but at the Ryman was a true delight.
I orchestrated a large multi-family Thanksgiving dinner. It consisted of Racer K and I, my mom, stepdad, and the kids, plus my in-laws, and my best friend, his husband, and his parents, plus a few other friends who needed somewhere full of love to spend the day. It was a really lovely day, even though K and I had travel issues thanks to a massive storm that blew in. We lost one of our days due to our flight getting canceled. That trip also led to some fun online after the Chinese lanterns we set off were picked up by the facebook page of the local newspaper when someone thought they were aliens. Aliens! No joke. Too funny to watch people seriously discuss something as innocuous as Chinese lanterns as if they were honest to goodness aliens.
I participated in a global meditation event with His Holiness the Dalai Lama. It was a couple of peaceful hours spent listening to his holiness speak about compassion and love and meditating with people across the world. I wonder if for those moments, we increased the measure of the energy of love across the world.
I did a couple other different/ new things in the last year as well: I hosted a couple of parties. At Christmastime, I hosted a party on the same day I bought Suby. I made loads of food, cookies, eggnog, and apple pie liqueur for our friends in Nashville. Then, shortly before we left Nashville, I threw a hot chicken tasting party along with a huge beer tasting, to drink up all the beers we were not bringing with us to Colorado. Bolton’s, Hattie B’s, and 400 Degrees all made an appearance, plus I made some sides and a honey cake. Both events went very well but hosting tends to make me a bit anxious because I always worry about everyone having a good time. However, anxiety or not, I’m looking forward to hosting more parties after we buy a house… and have some friends in Denver to invite.
What else? The only other thing I can think of is that we’ve been to two pro-baseball games so far. Still not a fan of baseball (big snooze) but it was still cool to go. I think that’s about it. I’ve been reading a lot and I’m hoping to finish 52 books in 2015. I’m more than halfway through the year but still a few shy of halfway to my goal, but I’m still optimistic. This list seems short but so much of our year was spent preparing for our move. I can’t say this is all I’ve done. I’ve also cooked and baked plenty to keep us eating healthy and at the moment, we are trying to eat mostly vegetarian (nothing strict or restrictive, just a change in diet to see if it improves our health overall). Also, I bought my first season pass to an amusement park. We’ve been enjoying our times at Elitch Gardens, relaxing on the lazy river and riding roller coasters. Chelsea loved roller coasters, as do her children, so I can’t wait to get the kids up here to take them with us.
There’s a part of me that feels I should have done more in the last year. Run more? Raced more? Traveled more? Something… but this is what I’ve done with the 365 days I was given since she left. I want to do more but I feel so tired and empty that I’m doing the best with what I have through my tears each day. I still have more planned though. Tomorrow night begins the start of the next year without her. So, for now the horizon holds riding the zip line across Royal Gorge while K rides his century, traveling to Jacksonville to be the best man of my bestie’s wedding celebration/ vow renewal, going to New Orleans for our anniversary next year, seeing my first white Christmas (hopefully!), and buying our first home. While I still own a house in Florida with my mom, this will be our first family home that we will (also hopefully) soon fill with a chubby, squishy baby. We will also climb a 14er or two (uh, probably) and see a show or 5 at Red Rocks. Right now, everything is geared towards getting our house but we will try to fit a few other adventures in there. Running hasn’t been strong on my radar of late… at all. I don’t know if it will be in time but for now, I’m being gentle with myself. I don’t know if these feelings will ever go away or change. I don’t know if I will ever feel normal again… for now, I go to work, I clean the house, I cook and bake, and I live. It’s what I can give to my sister for now. Every day is for her.