Welcome To Dying- a repost

Of my recent experience/ adventure at a 10-day Vipassana retreat, I will be writing two blogs. This one describing the technique and my metaphysical- spiritual-mental experiences and another describing the more mundane and probably more fun aspects of the 12 days spent in the backwoods of Georgia.

While the related address of the retreat was rather easy to put together, this one is more personal in some aspects and therefore more difficult to know where I want to tread and where I want to remain private. This will also be exponentially shorter than the other, titled, Oh, the places you will go. I will attempt to take it day by day to provide some structure. First, I will provide a synopsis of what Vipassana meditation is, though the initial description of this will come from the other blog.

Vipassana is about seeing things as they are, about living in reality rather than being attached to or avoiding our desires and aversions. It seeks to eliminate cravings, aversions, fear, ignorance, and blind passion. These are the things that leave us in misery. Learning to detach and observe these things strengthens us. This is scientifically proven (see http://www.amazon.com/Train-Your-Mind-Change-Brain/dp/0345479890/ref=pd_sim_b_3). Meditation is a means to fight mental illness, such as depression and anxiety. It is not religion. It is not a promised heaven in the afterlife. It is a tool for the here and now. While Vipassana was practiced by The Buddha, Siddartha Gautama, it acknowledges the Buddha-nature in all of us, the equal potential in all of us to lead happy, enlightened lives.

Further, Vipassana as taught by S.N. Goenka is a particular form of meditation. There are other forms and other forms of Vipassana itself. I am not attempting to discount any of them but Vipassana was the route I chose and I was introduced to it by my ex(then my boyfriend) and now friend, Toby. He had been practicing for a few years when we met and began dating several years ago and during the time we were together I saw how it benefitted him, the sort of person he was, and the difference it made when he was meditating regularly versus when he was not. This attracted me to the practice because I saw only good in it. Further, and as I said above, it is not religion. It is not about conversion, nor did Toby ever try to convince me to try it. I chose on my own. In Vipassana there is no promise of anything except to observe the sensations of one’s body in order to detach from the things that cause misery. I do not agree with organized religions, nor am I one to take on any full body of dogma without finding reason to disagree with some or many of the tenets of that dogma. I am an individual with my own thoughts and beliefs and these change daily as I grow and change. Vipassana works for someone like me because it is about recognizing that ALL things change, all people change, and nothing lasts forever, nor is reality the same for all people. This is anicca– impermanence.

Vipassana can be practiced by anyone. Read that again: ANYONE. It is a tool, a task that can help lead one to happiness by grounding one in the reality of their life and help them deal calmly with anything that comes at them. Muslim, Hindu, Jew, Christian, atheist, agnostic, anyone can practice Vipassana because it does not ask one to give up their god/ gods, it does not ask them to stop living according to the dogma of their religion/ faith, and it does not discount the teachings of any religion. It teaches one morality (all religions teach some form of morality), mastery over one’s mind, and wisdom. The basic morality taught (sila) is to refrain from speaking untruths, to refrain from taking what is not given, to abstain from intoxicants, to abstain from sexual misconduct, and to refrain from harming any living creature. None of this is contrary to the morality taught by any religion. Teaching mastery of one’s mind (Samadhi) would likely make one a better adherent to their religion if they truly have faith in it and would keep one from wallowing in misery or going to ecstatic extremes. It provides one a balance because one is no longer a prisoner of one’s emotions. And wisdom (Panna) is gained by being able to observe one’s attachments and aversions and to no longer be a slave to those. Much of this was covered by Goenka in our nightly Dhamma discourses so I am simply attempting to sum up the basics.

In Vipassana we do take refuge in the Triple Gem of Buddhism but not as a blind faith in any particular person. By taking refuge in the Buddha one is acknowledging the Buddha-nature of all people, of the possibility for each of us to become a Buddha. By taking refuge in the Sangha, one takes refuge in the community. By taking refuge in the Dhamma, one takes refuge in truth. Thus, these refuges are acknowledging a joining into something greater but not in a deity, not in a dogma. It is about joining reality, joining the world.

So, onto the days and the technique.

Day 0- We took refuge in the Triple Gem, took our vows of sila, and entered Noble Silence. There was supposed to be absolute silence for 10 days but that did not last among the women. We began meditating that night through Anapana, which is observation of the breath. We also realized that sitting for long periods of time could get uncomfortable.

Day 1- 4am is early to wake up but meditation began at 4:30. This day was quite painful and I, as well as many of the women, began stretching (mostly yoga) during all breaks to get accustomed to the 10 hours a day we were expected to practice. We continued with Anapana but my brain began going in all sorts of directions, much like a circus. I would think of the past, of an ongoing argument between someone who used to be my friend and myself, of people I lost along the way, of my partying days and then abruptly I’d be fantasizing about the future. This was not restricted to any one particular day, rather it continued throughout the retreat. My thoughts of the future included anything from what I was going to cook when I got home to running to the person I am currently interested in. And then there was music. Day 1 was not a big day for music… that actually cranked up in Day 2 and beyond but it was all there from the start in varying degrees.

Day 2- Anapana continued, as did the pain. This is a sort of searing pain in one’s back and hips, along with numbness in the bottom and through the legs. I shifted positions constantly during these first days.

Day 3- “Dr. Horrible day!” Dr. Horrible’s Sing-a-long blog played continuously in my head which left me feeling silly (as in amused, not sheepish). I would giggle at myself and found that I laughed constantly through the retreat, even when I was sick. It was a means of expressing myself and I am generally happy. I like to laugh and so when things happened that might have otherwise frustrated me or demonstrated how absurd I could be, I laughed. This included when Andrea and I bumped into each other or I accidentally smacked her one night in the meditation hall. As Emily Saliers once said, “You have to laugh at yourself or else you’d just cry your eyes out.”

Day 4- We spent much of the day in Anapana, observing the breath and observing the sensations under our nose, on our upper lips. This was to sharpen the mind. Day 4 felt very successful for me. I was able to stay with the meditation without entering wild tangents for long periods of time; able to sink in to what I was doing rather than itching to get up and go. That night we began Vipassana meditation. This included a 2-hour adhitanna sit: a sit of strong determination in which one cannot move or shift positions. It means not moving one’s legs, hands, or opening one’s eyes. It was painful to accomplish but also began really putting me in touch with PAIN as an illusion. I began observing my pain, seeing it as it was, and simply waiting through it. This meant when I stood up I was limping for a few minutes but again, I felt quite successful.

Day 5- The hurricane of illness arrived to rock my boat. I woke up on day 5 wanting to go home. I felt as though I had a sinus infection and this developed into a raging fever by 8am. I told the assistant teacher around 9:15 that I was quite ill and having difficulty meditating but he told me to just take the storms as they came and if I could not do Vipassana (observing sensations on the body), I could do Anapana and just focus on the breath. Umm… yeah. I’m kind of a baby when I’m sick and so when I was released to meditate in my quarters, I crawled into bed. I did not emerge from my bed until the next group sit at 2:30. All I wanted at that point was to go home. At 4-ish I told this to the course manager, who instead advised me that it was likely my body adjusting to detoxification, to purification, and that I should take some Vitamin C. I asked for tylenol but no luck there. I did not have access to my own supply of medications (they were in my car) and my car keys were checked in with management. Consider the course boundaries like a sort of prison, and even Goenka explains that by coming to the course, we chose to surrender ourselves to prison for 10 days. So, I was stuck and rather weak since I had missed the lunch meal, the last meal of the day. The fever broke after 14 torturous hours of sweats and chills but my temperature did not return to something resembling “normal” for a couple more days.

Day 6- Still rather weak and out of it, I was thankful to be feeling marginally better. I don’t recall a whole lot about meditation that day except that I felt “done” with all of it. I was tired and felt poorly and just wanted to go home and while I did not give up, I allowed my brain to wander. And wander it did. If only reality were anything like my imagination. I should blush as I think back to some of the things I thought sitting upon my meditation cushion, the person I was thinking of likely would (hmmm… or do guys do something manly rather than blush?), but I am unabashed. We are all only human.

Day 7- Following the fever, congestion and a persistent cough cropped up. Hence, not much in the way of sleep following day 5 except during the days when the cough tended to be less intense. So, my hours of meditation decreased to about 5-6 hours and mainly during the group sit hours. I did my best… did what I had the energy to do and struggled through but there was a day when the cough was so bad it caused me to vomit after running from the meditation hall during an adhitanna sit. I don’t say this to be gross and I can’t recall if it was day 7 or 8 (things started to run together at this point), I only use it as an illustration of how severe this illness was/ has been.

I don’t have much of anything to say about days 7-10. I coughed through each night, never quite got as deep into the technique as I had wanted due to the headaches, coughing, congestion, and general feeling of being unwell. I believe that had I been more practiced in the technique I could have worked through those, recognizing that pain as similar to the muscular pain I was learning to observe and move past. However, I am/ was new. It was not quite possible for me to move past it though I did what I could. Except for the one disrupted adhitanna sit, I sat with the group, back fairly erect (when my chest congestion allowed me to do so and continue breathing without coughing), legs in position, hands in their place, eyes closed. Occassionally I would give up on these extended sits and peek at my watch or allow my brain to wander into fantasies, mentally composing these blogs, or albums, such as The Mars Volta’s The Bedlam in Goliath.

I know I said this would be about the metaphysical side of this but I don’t believe I have accomplished that. I also do not think I can, so I apologize. To explain what this meant internally… what this means for my “spirit,” has proven to so far be inadequate. As I struggled to speak to a friend last night (I lost my voice 5 days ago- the day I left the dhamma center), I realized that the words I use to describe how I feel now are wholly inadequate. Yes, I feel different. My mind and body feel clear/ clean. My body adjusted well to the physical pressures and I now take pain in a different way. My mind is even, calm, alert. It’s not a big change. I am still me but I am me slightly altered. Slightly better? I feel better. I feel prepared and strong. I am happy. So happy. I continued grinning last night with my friends and while I am currently using slightly exagerated motions/ movements to compensate for my lack of speech, I am simply effusive and brimming with love and peace. It sounds almost “hippy,” kind of cheesy to say that but I feel it. My heart is full, my mind is calm, and my body is almost ready to take on anything. My chest congestion is preventing me from running right now but I am ready to take things on once it passes.

So, now I am prepared. For the future, for the present, for whatever comes. My practice must continue and this requires me to establish a solid schedule. I don’t know if this answers the questions that people have had… and I’m happy to answer any that may arise. It’s hard to explain something that is very internal. But I guess that’s it for now. I am still assimilating a lot of it.