The Quiet Night

It’s another “night shift” in which there is no one to watch over.

It’s been almost two weeks and it all still feels unreal. Expected, I guess, but still… unreal.

I guess it has been a week since I posted last and since then, we had her wake with so many of her friends and our family in attendance, sharing stories of her life. Other than that, life has been quieter. I’m still having problems sleeping but I’ve had a couple good nights and a few earlier mornings. We were all initially on edge but things have become more “normal,” in the sense that we aren’t at each other’s throats. Don’t doubt, there are still tears.

I learned yesterday that I could not carry her urn on our plane due to TSA regulations about the material. Needless to say, I was heartbroken and then, as K and I were at the post office to ship her to our home, I broke down as we were checking out. It was awful but thankfully, she arrived safe and sound to our dear friend’s waiting hands.

Otherwise, the children are getting through this by being children. K and I have taken them to the beach, where I swam in the Gulf of Mexico for the first time in probably over a decade. Then I remembered why I kept my swimming to pools instead of open water: things live in it. We had little schools of tiny fish swimming around us, which was fine until they took a liking to me and kept circling around me and through my legs. I was concerned enough about the recent near-shore hammerhead sightings but this was just annoying and set off my anxiety. Plus, after 2 hours out there, we were pretty tired.

We’ve also had multiple conversations about where mommy has gone and mommy being dead. It is hard to truly explain to them when there are others inserting their beliefs about “god” but they seem to have a good understanding. We’ve left it at: mommy’s body has died but her spirit remains with us. You can see my previous post about that to understand more of what I think about it. Other than that, there’s been general silliness, as well as normal sibling squabbles. My cute nephew was playing on the floor with the cat the other day and just having fun being young.

 Speaking of the cats, I miss mine terribly so these two are filling in as surrogates. The other night, the gray one decided that if I wouldn’t let him sleep on my stomach, he would sleep on my head. However, together they are super cute and my mom and sister picked them from the same litter.

I’m still working to keep myself busy. I’ve run some, though not as much as I want and I had a complete and total meltdown on a 6 mile run about 4 days ago. I was slow, hot, and hungry, so I started bawling about a mile from the house. It was pretty hard and it is certainly demoralizing to be running at a 12 mile pace, a full 4 MINUTES SLOWER than my usual pace. Really, it is not a good feeling but I’m going to try again tomorrow.

Instead of running as much as K, who is running 20 miles tomorrow (I’m joining for 6 or so), I decided to work on polishing and conditioning my sister’s old cedar chest.

It was bought by my grandfather’s brother then given to my grandmother, then my mother, then my sister, and at this point, it will stay with my momma until the children are of age with their own places and mature enough to care for it properly. I wish I’d taken some before pictures but I wiped it with my homemade wood polish and cleaned all the crevices with a toothbrush and many q-tips. It took hours and it was a full body workout but it looks beautiful now.

Yes, it has some cracks and nicks after almost 60 or 70 years but it is still in beautiful shape. Today I added the wheels so we could move it easier. Plus, I found the reward of my hard work.

Alas, hard work often results in altering the body.

I don’t feel I have a whole lot that is profound to say right now. I’ve been marathon watching How I Met Your Mother all day because it was the last show my sister ever watched. In her last days, she laid in her bed and would fuss if she couldn’t find her remote or her mouse to be able to control her TV. I love this show and had recommended it to her so, while I may be driving everyone else crazy, it is all I have had on the TV in the living room all day. I’m watching it now. It appeared that the last episode my sister watched was season 3, episode 7. I’m only on season 2 right now but I’ve seen the show so often, it made sense to just start at the beginning like I would a good book.

I’ve found myself eating and doing plenty of things that my sister used to eat and do. I am holding onto her as tightly as I can and simply walking slowly through each day. The grief may make my limbs and heart feel heavy, but I’m definitely moving forward in this new world.