Time keeps passing and I’m having a hard time keeping up with everything. I have plenty of posts in mind, I have to work on the book for my sister(that now has a name!), and I still have plenty of training to do for our upcoming races. The problem is, I feel paralyzed by my grief. I’m not exactly sitting still. In fact, I spent the entire weekend organizing our home, getting rid of stuff, making lotions and other bath products, and cleaning. Busy busy bee. I also spent a bit of time crying. The crying drains me so much. The grief pours out in wracking sobs and then I’m just exhausted.
Part of the thing is that I feel I should be ready to do more. I feel like I’m letting Chelsea down by not accomplishing more but I just don’t have the energy yet. I worry that others expect me to be “over it” by now but, as all the shrinks and workbooks and articles say, this is a long process and I can expect to go through it for a year or more, at least in this way.
The things that keep me going and trying to remain positive are the support of my amazing husband and our plans for the future. I’m looking forward to my first new car in what feels like forever and I am actively counting down to our move to Denver. I can’t wait to move and start over again with Racer K! I think a fresh new city is just what we need right now! While there’s mourning advice that says not to make big changes right after a loss, these things were in the works well before my sister’s death and they are really what is giving me purpose right now.
So, that’s it right now. I’m trying to keep my chin up and keep going. I’m hoping to institute some positive changes to promote happy, good feelings. Otherwise, it’s all just another day, another week where my sister is dead.