I’ve gone through periods where I feel pulled to do certain things, such as this big move, but lately, between poor health emotionally and physically, I’ve been feeling a calling towards a number of things. I am intending to start moving my diet towards more vegetarian plus far less dairy. I wouldn’t necessarily call this a move towards a completely plant based diet and I don’t see myself ever going vegan or even completely vegetarian, but we are starting to plan to move our diet away from so much meat. I have noticed some very serious reactions to some foods, particularly some fried foods, which makes me think I have a strong reaction to some form of oil used in restaurants. I want to stop this cycle of feeling poorly right after I eat.
I’ve also been feeling a pull back to Vipassana. I finally got new meditation cushions (my last set was destroyed by my Julian’s incontinence) and in the last week I’ve put them to use a bit. I’m out of shape for meditating but looking forward to building those mental and physical muscles back up. I’m also incorporating more gentle exercises instead of running. Right now, my sense is to be gentle with myself: rest as needed, start eating in a more gentle way, and exercise in a kind way for my body to catch up to everything I’ve been through.
I’m fighting this depression that has crept upon me with leaving Nashville, leaving all my friends, being so much further away from my family, and the impending anniversary of Chelsea’s death. Within the last year, I lost my sister, a cousin I didn’t particularly know, and my aunt. So much death has me feeling a bit empty and a bit numb, as though all I can feel at this point is sadness and the lack but pure joy doesn’t quite reach me. I either feel nothing or pain.
I am hoping this pull back to good, simple, kind things will lift me out. I’m hoping this need for the Buddha and for meditation is my way back to feeling like me. I’m hoping that the change in diet will improve my health, so that I don’t always feel low energy and sick. I am hopeful… and that is something.