Oh, the places you will go (the masochist in me should have been happy)- a repost

Of my recent experience/ adventure at a 10-day Vipassana retreat, I will be writing two blogs. This one describing the more mundane and probably more fun aspects of the 12 days spent in the backwoods of Georgia and another describing the technique and metaphysical-spiritual-mental aspects of my time at the retreat. This particular blog went through a number of possible titles as I mentally constructed it while I was meditating. Possible titles were, “What the hell was I thinking?” and “I faced the gom jabar and survived.”  The Dune reference will be explained later. But the current title made the most sense because while I sat still for most of 10 days, my brain went oh so many places.

Let me start with some basics. One, the food was good bordering on great. Over 12 days I drank over 60 cups of tea and ate almost 3 dozen bananas. I had oatmeal with honey for breakfast every morning as I watched the sun rise over the tops of towering sugar pines and lunch each day was a different vegetarian concoction from lasagna, curry, or marinated tempeh. The kitchen even treated us to carob brownies and vegan chocolate chip cookies. We were not served a dinner but did have an evening tea break with fruit. While I was not starving throughout my time there, this restricted diet has taken its toll: I have lost over 8 pounds in 2 weeks and now weigh a startling 99 pounds. But this is not just the retreat diet, it is also due to being ill. Hopefully this weight loss will soon reverse itself and I will begin packing on a few pounds to begin marathon training.

Second, the facilities. While the center is only a couple of years old, it is not the most professionally built group of buildings but this is because it was built by volunteers and out of love. The septic system does not function properly and the well the water comes from (I’m assuming they are on a well) has a high concentration of sulfur so all the water there smells of rotten eggs. Blech. There were issues with toilets and sinks but generally, not bad. Kind of like roughing it in a camping cabin for a couple of weeks. They kept the place quite warm (for my tastes) so I spent the majority of my time there sweating and being a bit stinky, which affected my mood but I stayed strong and did what I could to not be “the stinky chic”. In general and considering that we were fed and sheltered for 12 days free of charge, it wasn’t bad at all.

Third, the staff/ volunteers. Everyone working at Damma Patapa does so out of the kindness of their spirits and these are a great group of people. The women’s course manager, Yolanda, had such a generous spirit and was a good “den mother”. She was the one we took our concerns too about the facilities and any difficulties we faced while there, which I will address my difficulties below. Also, she was the one forced to admonish those who broke Noble Silence. I can only imagine what was going on in her head but she did so with such kindness and sweetness, I can only think of her with fondness. The servers worked hard to provide our meals and help the course managers as needed and my thanks go out to them as well.

Fourth, my fellow meditators. I did not interact with really any of the men, though Toby and I had occassion to speak once Noble Silence was lifted and I did get a few minutes to speak with a gentleman by the name of Ravi following the course but all those I did speak with and interact with, primarily the other 11 women, were not only full of heart but highly intelligent people. We were forced to live in close quarters (12 women sharing 2 bathrooms for 12 days could have gotten ugly) and yet, when all was said and done, we were happy to embrace and share some laughs. I feel blessed to have shared such an experience with a diverse and wonderful group of women and look forward to remaining in touch. As I said at the center, you are all welcome in Nashville anytime.

Okay… now onto the fun stuff. The music. Below is a primary playlist of what played in my head but to be clear, this was not it. I played entire albums in my head throughout the days. When I say my mind is a jukebox, it is. I made it through most of The Mars Volta’s The Bedlam in Goliath and Octahedron, missing lyrics on only about 2-3 verses total. The following is in the order of a playlist I’ve now created in iTunes- but that’s me, I think in lyrics and can live inside an “album” for a time so the music will serve as a reminder. Try listening to it this way and you may get a sense of the lived experience (all except “Singing in the Rain” because I don’t have a copy of that in my library).

• Incubus- Earth to Bella (part 1)
• Tool- Parabol/ Parabola
• The Fairfield Four- Lonesome Valley
• The Mars Volta- Luciforms
• Jeff Buckley- New Year’s Prayer
• Brandi Carlile- Shadow on the Wall
• Radiohead- You and Whose Army?
• Indigo Girls- She’s Saving Me
• Puscifer- Vagina Mine (Alive at Club Nokia)
• Incubus- Pendulous Thread
• Dave Matthews Band- Shake Me Like a Monkey
• The Mars Volta- Conjugal Burns
• Puscifer- The Mission
• Rodrigo y Gabriela- Hanuman
• Brandi Carlile- Have you ever
• Indigo Girls- Nashville
• Incubus- Earth to Bella (part 2)
• Gene Kelly- Singing in the rain (because I was actually walking and singing in the rain)

I also occassioned upon the entirity of Dr Horrible’s Sing-a-long Blog (days 3 and 4 were a Whedon-fest in my mind) and The Sound of Music. Pop culture ran rampant through my head, and again, Whedon was at the forefront. Clips from Buffy the Vampire Slayer were common, as were parts of Dollhouse. I kept thinking, “I try to be my best,” when things got difficult. Unfortunately Sex and the City got stuck in there a few times and I wanted to curse the person who originally got me hooked on that show but since I was supposed to be improving my equanimity, I guess that wouldn’t have been the most cogent use of my time.

So, from here I will tackle it by days, since everything became a countdown and numbers instead of days of the week.

Day 0- Arrived a little late and rather frustrated since the directions from Patapa’s website were a little incorrect. Had about 5 minutes to say hi to Toby and then it was time to get settled in. Moved into my room, set up my bed, and crashed out for a few minutes. I’d been on the road for 9 hours and up since 4am. I awoke to go to our dinner where I met a few of my fellow female meditators (men and women were separated throughout the course) and then we began. Noble Silence was instituted that night as we began our first meditation and took our vows to abstain from speaking untruths, stealing, sexual activity, intoxicants, sensual entertainments/ bodily decorations, sleeping on high or luxurious beds, and to abstain from harming any living creature. Ummm… confession: I killed a mosquito and an ant in the first couple of days. What can I say except, Oops.

Day 1- The day began at 4am. They rang a lovely bell for everything we had to do: meals, meditations times, wake-up, etc. You know your life has been infiltrated by Christianity to a deep level when your brain associates such a bell with a “Call to worship.” So, up I went, got dressed and into the meditation hall where we all sat for 2 hours. Then off to breakfast, shower, and back to bed for about an hour. Then on to another hour of meditation, break, back to meditation, lunch, meditation. Okay, I won’t really go through all these little steps but what I want you to understand is that we were scheduled to meditate 10-11 hours a day with intervals between for food and rest. The first day or so I followed this scrupulously. I was also in a room with Martha at this point but that changed on day 3, when I was moved into a different room, which was basically a hallway with 2 bunkbeds in it next to a bathroom. There was an issue with someone snoring and since I didn’t snore, they moved me in with other non-snorers and the other woman in with Martha. Day 1 was exhausting and as I said, this place was hot, so I was sweaty and fairly irritated at the end of the day.

Day 2- I don’t remember anything particularly special about day2 except that there was pain. Sitting for that long was taking its toll on hips, back, legs, etc. The meditation hall was a cacophany of people adjusting, changing positions, scratching, and generally trying to be comfortable. We hadn’t yet learned how to mentally handle this but we were involved in Anapana- a form of meditation focusing on the breath. We were simply to observe the breath for the entirity of our sits and I can tell you, boredom sets in and the fantasies begin. I was told after silence ended that I wasn’t the only one who experienced that. What did I fantasize about? Well, as our teacher, S.N. Goenka, explained to us, the mind tends to roll into the past, into memories, and roll into the future. My fantasies were about the future, about such simple things as soaking in my bathtub at home with a bourbon beside me (which was also a memory of after the Country Music Half Marathon, since that’s exactly what I did after the race) and about more elaborate things like what may happen if the person I am interested in were to return my feelings. No more details than that, folks, but I’m certain you can extrapolate. My memories of the past were of old friends, of things that had gone wrong, of things that had gone right, just normal things you might think of though slightly more intense. While the assistant teacher was concerned about my history of mental illness (I previously struggled with depression and anxiety), what he didn’t realize is that I spent years “fixing” myself. He was concerned about me becoming overwhelmed by things from my past but thanks to a couple of great therapists and a great deal of self-evaluation throughout the last 5 or so years, I had no fear, nor did any mental storm overtake me. I’d already faced those demons and won.

As a side note, I will relate the previous Dune reference at this point. By Day2, I had started to relate this experience to the nerve induction box Paul Atreides faces at the beginning of the first Dune book. A Bene Geserit Reverend Mother tells him to place his hand inside a box and after he does, he asks her what is in it. Her answer, “Pain.” With a gom jabar (a needle tipped with a deadly poison that one would wear like a thimble) at his neck, Paul faces searing pain, believing his hand to be burning to the bone. He asks why the Reverend Mother is doing this and she answers, “To determine if you’re human.” To determine if Paul was human or animal. A human is not ruled by their bodies, not ruled by only their instincts as an animal is. Instead, a human is capable of ruling their own mind and this is part of the intent of Vipassana. To practice Samadhi, mastery of one’s mind and to gain Panna, widsom. So, as I sat with the pain, the heat, and the exhaustion, I was reminded that I am human and refuse to be reduced to less. To mentally acknowledge this is to also face that in the past I was an animal. Regardless of what our egos tell us, humans are animals with the capacity to reason and to employ logic. If we choose to forego those capacities and to act/ react on our basest instincts, then we are no better than any animal. I had already faced much of my animal past. Those who witnessed those growing pains in me either do not recognize me at this point or, I am pleased to say, have expressed their pride in me for how far I have come. I am grateful that I did not alienate such people as I revelled in my selfishness and debauchery… but back to the retreat.

Day 3- I call this “Dr. Horrible Day” because from the time I awoke until I went to sleep, it was all Dr. Horrible in my head. From start to finish and over and over. Not only do I love Joss Whedon’s works and love musicals in general, this particular movie resonates a bit right now since I, like Dr. Horrible, have unexpressed feelings for someone and wish I had the nerve to speak up. Silly, perhaps, but yeah. Day 3 is also when I moved over to the other dorm and when the schedule had started to reveal itself as full of opportunities for rest. Some of our scheduled meditation times allowed for practicing in our quarters, i.e. on our beds… as in, NAP TIME!! Okay, we weren’t supposed to be napping but I like my sleep and unfortunately, the end of Day 3 was the first indication I had of the approaching storm of illness that was about to attempt to capsize my little boat. When I went to sleep that night I had the first inkling of congestion but I shrugged it off to allergies.

Day 4- The “end” of Anapana and the beginning of Vipassana. By now I was getting accustomed to taking sleep as it became available, which meant that I was meditating an average of 6-7 hours per day instead of 10-11. I was also utilizing the women’s walking trail through the woods to get some much needed exercise. I was fantasizing about my running shoes and how, as soon as I got home, I was going to try to grab one of the East Nasties and hit the greenway for a nice 5 mile run. *sigh* I miss running. And I missed it then but I was able to get in about a mile or mile and a half before the heat and bugs chased me back into the dorms. That evening we had to sit our first Adhitanna sit (a sit of strong determination) and our introduction to Vipassana meditation. I will explain what that entails in the other blog but it requires both the determination to sit still for the allotted time and a calm, resolute mind. Our first adhitanna sit was 2 hours long and I can tell you, that was quite painful to not be able to move one’s legs or arms during that time and to not be able to scratch any itches or anything. Yet, I found it quite a successful first effort at Vipassana and went to bed feeling like I could certainly handle the next 6 days.

Day 5- The arrival of the hurricane upon my seas. I awoke at 4am with what felt like a sinus infection and started thinking of going to the doctor. Which would have meant leaving and driving home. By 8am this pain had transformed into a fever. After being released from group meditation at 9:45 I crawled under my blankets and did not move until 2:30. This meant missing lunch. I don’t miss meals, if you know anything about me. If you ask me at any given time if I’m hungry, I will answer, yes. I dream of food (that was also part of my fantasies: what I would cook when I got home and there will soon be some fun things coming from my kitchen but I’m waiting until I’m 100% before I reenter my kitchen). So, I missed a meal. And because I missed a meal, one of the other meditators came to check on me. Thank you, Esmerelda! But I was resolute to stay in bed until the chills and sweats passed. I felt as though I was being baked while someone threw shards of ice at me. But I made the 2:30 group sit and then crawled back into bed until tea time. During that time Yolanda came in and admonished me that I should be meditating, not sleeping. This was approximately 4pm and I was tired of dealing with the pain at that point. I told her I wanted to go home in order to go to a doctor, that I was too sick to continue. She told me to rest and she would come back later. She woke me up for tea time and thankfully at that point the fever had pretty much broken. 14 hours of some of the most intense pain I can recall in my recent history. I took some Vitamin C (I had been taking a Vitamin B Complex everyday, as well as my daily vitamin) and drank my green tea, crawled back into bed, and made it to the last 3 hours of the day which consisted of another hour long adhitanna sit, a discourse by Goenka, who is quite an amusing man, and a final sit of about 20 minutes. Understand that the instructions for packing include a discouragment about bringing any over the counter medications and I followed this with the pure intent to face the challenges as they came. The center refused to give me any tylenol or cold medicine so I faced the fever and following symptoms with no “western medicine”. And then the cough started that night.

Day 6- My temperature was still running high and the cough had settled in but there were lots of coughs and sniffles in the meditation hall by this point. Ummm… and guys, sucking that stuff in is disgusting and bad for you. Try a freaking tissue and blow your nose. Several people broke their Noble Silence to ask if I was okay, which I truly appreciated though I was also intent on trying to preserve as much of my silence as I could.

Days 7-10- From the time I got sick until Day 10 when Noble Silence was lifted, I don’t really have a whole lot to say day by day. The meditation hall was transformed from a cacophany of human movement to being so still and silent that you heard my cough (I was the only left coughing constantly by the end of the retreat) and even the rumblings of everyone’s stomachs across the room. My cough got worse instead of better and poor Nadia and Patricia (my roommates) were stuck listening to me through the night. I did everything I could each night to stop coughing and resorted to cough drops by day 7 or 8, though I was coughing the entire time I was sucking on them. They only treat the symptom, not the cause, which is why I don’t generally use them. I kept dreaming/ fantasizing of being home, in a bath, with a cup of my personal blend of chamomile, Early Grey, and lavender tea, and with my raw Tennessee honey to eat to soothe my throat. That doesn’t mean that I wasn’t fantasizing about other things at that point, only that my health had become my primary preoccupation. Meditation sort of stalled for me. I would spend an entire hour thinking of that special someone or an entire hour playing The Mars Volta or Maynard/ Tool (Thank you Danny Carey and Thomas Pridgen for being remarkable drummers!) over and over in my head, rather than focusing on Vipassana or even Anapana. I was also the only one “dancing” on their meditation cushion as far as I could tell. The ryhthm never leaves me. I did have moments of clarity and the evening sits were much easier than the early morning ones. Day 8 became my only day of utter silence since during the last few days, many of the women in the dorms had pretty much abandoned Noble Silence. I continued to endeavor towards physical and mental silence but it was a losing battle, especially the more exhausted I became.

Day 10- Noble Silence ended at 10 am. Woohoo! I got up, walked outside by myself, and sang “Parabol.” It seemed the most fitting, considering the lyrics and the holy space I had been in, even though my mind was still a revolving circus complete with clowns. Then I walked over to the ladies and actually exclaimed, “Woohoo!” This resulted in giggles and the chatter began. I began comparing notes with other meditators and thanks to Andrea for listening to me prattle on. My voice had already begun to go in the higher register. This I learned as I secluded myself at times to be alone with music- I sang some Brandi Carlile and Indigo Girls but was having difficulty with breath control due to the coughing and, as I said, with any higher notes. It also poured torrential rains that day so I took my pink umbrella and strolled through the woods singing, “Singing in the Rain,” even though I couldn’t remember all the lyrics. Love that movie! I had the opportunity to stand at the pond and chat with Toby a bit while gazing at the lotus flowers and fish. Seeing the lotus flower made me think of my new tattoo (to be done Friday, June 4th, by Ian White of Black 13 Tattoo Parlor: www.black13tattoo.com) since it is part of the design that will be going on my back.

Day 11 (aka THE END)- We still had to get up at 4am on this day but it was to pack, attend a final meditation and discourse by Goenka, and to clean up. It was time to get the f*ck out of there! Mostly it was time to socialize. The women threw out the rule about not having any physical contact with anyone as we hugged and, well, acted as women act. We laughed and talked and exchanged contact information. Also, I offered a ride to one of the ladies which resulted in a lovely hour long conversation with her as we drove to the airport (Hi, Lisa!). I also met Ravi and Bill, two of the male meditators. In general, every person I came into contact with at the center was remarkable. We were all aglow after the shared experience and it does take a particular spirit to embark on such a personal journey so I don’t really know how to describe everyone other than full of love and compassion.

Whew! Have I said enough? Ha! Me? Never. Throughout the course I didn’t think I would ever go back. I was pretty miserable at times, both mentally and physically. Now I know I will go back. Probably not till next October when the weather is better for me but I will go back. I feel that becoming ill prevented me from reaching certain depths and I know that I have much work to do on my own and when I go back. Once all was done at the center I left Patapa, dropped Lisa off at the airport, and headed to Jack and Sonya’s for a quick visit. I am sad that I was too sick to really enjoy being with my dear old friends but I also got to see Jack’s parents and another old friend, Misty, while there, so it was definitely worth the extra time on the road. Plus, I got to ride around St Mary on Jack’s motorcycle, which stirred up my deep desire to have my own bike. Someday on that one (I want a Suzuki GSXR 750).

To say that I am changed by this experience is true. Physically I now have some new muscles built up for sitting long times, which came in handy since I had 1400 miles to drive in the 60 hours following the retreat. I was saddened that I could not sing during those hours spent in my car but my body handled that drive time well. My mind… I am more equanimous. More calm and balanced. I am thinking in different terms and have a new vocabulary to express myself with. While my heart is still in a particular limbo as I wait to see if my feelings for someone will ever be returned, I am probably the happiest sick person around. I am filled to the brim with peace, with calm, with love. I am so excited about the future and so happy with the present (happier still if “he” would kiss me but we can’t have everything, eh?). I am still me. I still say the word “f*ck”. Alot. Bad habit but yeah. I’m still a smart ass. These things about my humor, my approach to life, haven’t changed but I am even now. Balanced. Not really certain how to explain it other than that.

Vipassana is about seeing things as they are, about living in reality rather than being attached to or avoiding our desires and aversions. It seeks to eliminate cravings, aversions, fear, ignorance, and blind passion. These are the things that leave us in misery. Learning to detach and observe these things strengthens us. This is scientifically proven (see http://www.amazon.com/Train-Your-Mind-Change-Brain/dp/0345479890/ref=pd_sim_b_3). Meditation is a means to fight mental illness, such as depression and anxiety. It is not religion. It is not a promised heaven in the afterlife. It is a tool for the here and now. While Vipassana was practiced by The Buddha, Siddartha Gautama, it acknowledges the Buddha-nature in all of us, the equal potential in all of us to lead happy, enlightened lives.

And so I will leave it at that. I will write the accompanying metaphysical discussion of this technique but this was the mundane side, the day to day grit. I am now on day 5 without my voice and a little frustrated but happy to be home, happy to have spent last night with East Nasty, and looking forward to getting back into my running shoes Sunday. Even if I have to stop every few minutes to cough, 4.5 at Percy Warner, here I come! As to what’s next? Life. Love? Training for a marathon (probably the AF Marathon in  October) and the Ragnar Relay in November. Cheering on fellow East Nasties in their big races. Finding a job. Deciding on a doctoral program. I don’t know otherwise. I’m not leaving Nashville, that’s for certain. I love this city. Love the people, love the scenery. Mostly, I am going to make the most of my life at this time. I am healthier ( minus the cough and lost voice) than I’ve ever been and stronger than I’ve ever been.

I am ready. Bring it!