Today is Chelsea’s 32nd birthday. After my wedding in May, I thought she had seemed strong enough to make it until after Christmas but if you’ve been following along, you know she wasn’t. She should be 32 today and celebrating but instead, we are all grieving and she is gone.
I continue to have a hard time really getting it into my head that she is gone. It’s hard for me to think that in one moment she was breathing and the next, she wasn’t. She was just gone. I have a hard time believing that. She just… stopped. Stopped being. It’s incomprehensible.
So, today is her birthday. I bought both her children Build A Bear gift certificates that they spent last weekend. I wanted them to have a new stuffed friend to help them through today. They had fun out with their grandma for the day shopping. From what I understand, tonight they are making fried chicken. I bought a copy of The Nightmare Before Christmas, Chelsea’s favorite movie. Honestly, I’m not a fan of it but for her, I will watch it.
I had a flashback to a memory yesterday. It was before Chelsea’s birthday probably 10 or more years ago. Being so different, we spent a good bit of time when were younger fighitng. For her birthday, I’m fairly certain it was around her 22nd or 23rd, I had put an opal ring on layaway for her. I wanted to give her something especially nice. Then we had some huge fight- I don’t remember about what but my sister had quite the temper and small things could set her off and then she would get scary and loud. So, I took the ring off layaway and got my money back. I don’t remember when we made up, it could have been months later since we would go for months sometimes not seeing each other, especially when she was younger and more… troubled, but I never bought her that ring. I don’t remember if I even got her anything at all that year. Sisters have quite the interesting dynamic.
Those big blow ups never mattered. When she needed me, no matter how mean she had been to me, I always showed up to help her. When I went home for my wedding, I brought her a different piece of jewelry. She had wanted a mother’s necklace, including my mother, myself, her children, and her birthstone. She was feeling particularly anti-partner at that moment. She said something along the lines that no matter what, all of us would be together, even if the men in our lives went away. The necklace had the birthstones and it was engraved with, “Chelsea’s Family.” It will go to Rebecca when she is older, like the majority of her jewelry.
I also purchased a gift for Chelsea this year, even if she will never see it. She loved eucalyptus. I don’t even recall when or why, but many years ago, sort of out of the blue, I walked into my momma’s house and a great scent hit me. My momma had bought some eucalyptus branches for a floral arrangement. From then on, all three of us (Chelsea, my momma, and me) have liked eucalyptus. I typically have it in multiple arrangements at my house. We bought eucalyptus beeswax candles to sit atop her urn. So, for her birthday, I ordered a eucalyptus tree for my momma to plant at her house. I had intended to get it for Chelsea for her birthday or Christmas this year anyway, so now we will all get to enjoy it in memory of her.
Happy birthday, my angel. I miss you like crazy and can’t believe you aren’t here with me anymore.