Feel It All

I’ve recently become a bit obsessed with Glennon Doyle. I don’t even recall how or why but I began listening to, “We Can Do Hard Things,” a few months ago and I was hooked. Then I read, Untamed, and decided several people in my life are getting gift copies because it’s so helpful and so well written.

One of many lines that resonated with me was her saying that in getting sober, she had to embrace the action to “feel it all.” I immediately put that on a note card now hanging on my bathroom mirror.

It’s a reminder to myself, especially as I embrace more sobriety and less drinking. Sunday was a great example of why I need the reminder.

I’ve been writing a book based on my sister’s life, utilizing the posts I made while she battled and eventually succumbed to cancer. I had set it aside for the last 5 years. The last 5 years have been crazy enough without adding the emotional weight of wading back through all those sad, lost feelings.

Sunday, I began editing and adding to the book. The work resulted in a complete meltdown. I tried yoga, I tried meditation, I tried healthy food, and honestly, then I had a drink. None of it worked.

It took me hours to get my heart rate under 100 and then, drained, I went to bed early and woke up to feeling more refreshed. And “feel it all” is all I can keep telling myself.

I’ve been very open with my friends about how suicidal I was at the time of my sister’s battle. From diagnosis until shortly before she died, I was a mess. I was a hair’s breadth from just quitting. I chose not to and I’m so grateful every day for making the choice to struggle through, but over the years, and especially life with an alcoholic, followed by a move to a new city and then a global pandemic, drinking- numbing- became my go-to.

No, not to the point of having a “problem” but enough to be dissatisfied with how I was choosing to cope.

So, now, it’s “Feel it all.” Don’t numb, don’t divert, don’t push feelings down. Let them come. Sunday’s tears weren’t a weakness. They were a natural release and a progression of grief. They weren’t any sort of symptom of being weak or even mental illness. It is good and normal to shed tears over the loss of one’s sibling, or partner, or parent. Death naturally brings tears. That’s a perfectly healthy response to grief.

Also, without numbing, without pushing away uncomfortable thoughts or feelings, I have the opportunity to evaluate the good feelings that come too. My best friend advised me some nights ago that it’s great that my heart has thrown open its doors to allow whatever is happening or may happen in my life. He also cautioned me to position guards at those open doors, so as not be foolhardy even while feeling all the feelings.

Without numbing away uncomfortable feelings, like insecurity for example, I am able to fully revel in joy and hope, and able to judiciously delve into why the uncomfortable feelings are present. Is it me and places within me that have remained unexamined because I kept pushing them down or hiding them under alcohol? Or are they red flags? I could go on and on about generational traumas, the need to self-examine, and the gift that is our innate response to the energies of others, but it comes down to trusting ourselves and the work we’ve already done through therapy and/or medication regimens.

Also, just because feelings are uncomfortable doesn’t make them bad.

Instead, remaining present and open to feeling it all, we can gently hold those unpleasant feelings with gentleness and determine why they exist within us.

Lots of this ties into sobriety (or simply cutting back). Is it fun to sit with those feelings? Not really. Drunkenness is fun. It’s that slide from alertness (or hyper-vigilance) to ridiculousness and that isn’t always a negative. Yet, when used as an escape, it removes so much of our personal agency within our lives. Having something to point at and blame our bad behaviors on removes our authentic agency from our actions or our words.

Feeling it all means there will be days that don’t feel great. They will be exhausting. They will be possibly anxiety-inducing. BUT they will also be full of unfettered joy and exhilaration. Don’t numb away the joy. Don’t miss the good moments in fear of the uncomfortable ones.

All that said, lots of deep breaths, time speaking with my very wise friends who remind me that fear and joy can co-exist and that’s completely normal, exercise, meditation, and time- just time passing as it does- are all part of feeling it all. I’m here for it. I know the journey won’t be perfect or free of any sort of trials, but at least I’m awake to what is happening, and that’s worth a lot.